A Parenting Tight Rope
A personal reflection. Since my babies were born, I have felt the intense responsibility to protect them. That first drive home from the hospital with each baby, as I’m sitting in the backseat clinging to the car seat and telling my husband to drive slowly, thinking, “how do I keep this baby safe!?” We figured it out, not always calmly.
Then the babies grew, and we needed to start making rules and limits. We needed to start teaching them little kid life lessons, values. Suddenly the tight rope appeared. Now we needed to find the medium between protection and controlling their every move with letting them figure some stuff out on their own. They now faced little kid decisions with rewards and consequences. I’m a fan of natural consequences and this is how we tried to parent. Son refuses to wear a coat outside…rather than power struggle with him, let him learn how it feels to be cold (within reason of course!). We tried to pick our battles. An older friend once advised me, “if kids hear 30 NOs each day, they start to tune them out; choose your NOs carefully so they matter.”
Our NOs focused on a few of our values - safety and health #1, honesty, kindness, responsibility. We were walking the tight rope of protection and fostering independence, learning. It’s not easy, and I certainly don’t mean to make it sound easy. We misstepped a lot. Which can be stressful on a tight rope. It’s been really hard as a parent to let go a little each year as they grow up.
Now our babies are young adults and each living far from home. The tightrope has changed, as they have changed. Now we find ourselves walking the line of being their biggest cheer leaders, encouraging their self-esteem and sense of adventure while still needing to protect, teach, and encourage them to set their own limits. A recent example: our son is on the verge of making a big decision. My husband and I have our opinion about the best choice, and while we feel we can cast a vote and share our guidance, in the end, it is his decision. So we are walking the tightrope of boosting him up, empowering him to follow his passion, take some risks, while at the same time being the voice of experience, reality and caution. It can feel like a mixed message. The best way we’ve found to articulate ourselves clearly is to share with him the tight rope we face - that we want to send both messages. The pros and cons and our desire to support, cheer and protect.
I often feel worried and anxious having them so far away. I try really hard to not put my own fears on them. I try to rely on what we have taught them about safety and smart decisions with extreme hope that those skills will protect them. Because now they are mostly protecting themselves.
