MOMS Group Discussion - What is helpful advice?

The past couple of weeks in MOMS group, there has been discussion about the best and worst advice moms feel they have received as new moms. In an effort with good intentions to be helpful, sometimes what we say to pregnant and new moms falls short. So how do we best support moms during this important time?

During the last two groups, I’ve asked the questions, “What was the strangest or most memorable thing people have said to you when you were pregnant?” and “Looking back, what was one motherhood expectation you had based on advice, that really changed when you had your baby?” They agreed in consensus that much of the comments and advice were unsolicited. I appreciate their openness, and would like to confidentially share some of their thoughts.

In terms of the most memorable comments made, many moms felt intruded upon by strangers who would approach and ask personal questions or tell their own story. Questions such as “Do you plan to breastfeed?” and “What is your birth plan?” Wow - those are personal questions! Or comments such as, “You are carrying so low, must be a boy!” and “You better sleep a lot now, because you won’t sleep at all once that baby comes!” and “When I was pregnant, I got so sick from meat, be careful eating that”. Perhaps not harmful, but also unwelcomed.

I was surprised to hear them recall that most of the advice they received felt gloom and doom such as how hard parenting is, how little sleep they will get, the numerous sacrifices they will face. While many moms would agree that these three comments hold some truth, the moms did not find these comments helpful, but rather a bit scary. And fortunately, baby life provided a rosier and happier reality.

How do we best support and advise pregnant and new moms? The best answer I can think of is to recognize that every mom, every baby, every birth, every family is unique. In addition, let’s wait until the mom asks for advice or input. Our own experiences and stories do not predict how parenting will unfold for this mom, especially if we are strangers. We seem to want to share our own stories, project and compare, and prepare moms with realistic expectations, yet this often feels unhelpful. Because every parenting situation is so powerfully unique, and this is a very sensitive and personal time.

As a doula and group facilitator, I strive to listen better and talk less. It’s not always easy, and I admit that sharing my own stories and lessons learned with my three kids is tempting and fun. I try to pick the stories and lessons that relate and may serve as validation or support. In addition, when sharing evidence based information, I try and phrase it as, “For many moms….” and “Some moms have shared…” because again, there are very few facts or experiences that ring true for all moms.

To reiterate, the majority of comments made to pregnant and new moms are with fully good intentions; people want to be helpful and knowledgeable. So my advice is to listen, ask “would it be helpful if I shared what I learned as a parent?'“, avoid making assumptions or comparisons, and recognize that each mom will face their own unique journey that is to be respected and honored.

If you have comments about this blog post, please email me at Becky@earlycaredoula.com

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