Feeling and handling mommy frustration

In the last few weeks, there have been a few moms speaking up about feeling bad about feeling frustrated. We all get frustrated, and it often doesn’t feel good feeling frustrated. But it seems to feel particularly horrible when you are a mom and feeling frustrated at your situation or your kids. Ick.

When I felt frustrated as a mom with my young children, I often felt ashamed of those feelings. Ashamed of showing my frustration and admitting to it. Until I joined a MOMs group and met three women who would become lifelong friends. Together, we could share our frustrations, as well as our pride, excitement and joy, and feel understood rather than guilty. Which was an enormous gift, because mom guilt sucks.

Parenting can sometimes be frustrating! Little, middle and big kids can sometimes be frustrating! Juggling 34 balls in the air everyday as a mom can often be frustrating. It’s ok, and for most of us, a part of the job.

The trick is - how do we handle those feelings well? I used to throw things occasionally. That was not an example of handling feelings well. However, I do think it’s ok for our kids to see us (safely) frustrated, and even make a few (safe) frustrating mistakes. And then turn that into a teachable moment with an apology, and an expression of feeling. Such as, “I am very sorry that mommy threw that toy when she felt mad, that was absolutely not OK. It’s ok for mommy to feel mad sometimes, we all feel mad sometimes, but it is not ok to throw things. I’m sorry,” followed by hugs and reassurance that mommy made a mistake, they did not. While I still felt like a total jerk, I did later see that it was a teachable moment. I believe we need to model and teach our kids how to apologize genuinely and talk about their feelings. Because like us, they are going to feel frustrated sometimes.

One mom shared a vulnerable story of feeling so stressed and frustrated that she put her crying toddler in the crib and walked away, shutting the door. Toddler was safe, while unhappy, and she was safe, while unhappy. She gathered herself, solved one stressful situation, and then within ten minutes was back consoling her toddler, who was ok and welcomed mommy snuggles and a toddler-version of an apology. I applauded her, validated her frustration and stress, and tried to reassure her that in my mind, she did the best thing. Better to separate and gather yourself than feel unsafe as that stress and frustration mounts.

Sometimes this frustration is a sign that we need something - food, rest, a walk, time away, more support. When we get better at recognizing what we need, hopefully the frustration feels less intense. It did for me; I learned a lot about myself as a young mom, and I grew.

Parenting is hard. Taking care of our own selves and feelings, while parenting, is hard. Frustration will undoubtedly happen. Keep it safe, and the rest can be genuinely repaired with love and teaching. But if we are asking our kids to accept our apologies, we need to also forgive ourselves.

I liked this blog post I read about managing frustration as a parent. https://themompsychologist.com/2022/09/22/how-to-manage-your-anger-and-frustration-as-a-parent/

I encourage you to seek out a person who will understand.